The Talk
by Brenman
Summary: Ed decides it's time for Al to get the talk. So naturally they would go to their very own womanizing commander. Unfortunately things don't go quite as planned. Slight Ed/Winry and Roy/Riza


Disclaimer: This humble author does not own Fullmetal Alchemist

The Talk

Roy Mustang, future leader of the free world and ladies man extrordinair was sitting at his desk reading over some paperwork that had just come in. Hawkeye had just left for the mess hall and for once none of his annoying and unbelievably loyal lackeys were hanging around his work space. He sighed in relief, for once he may actually be able to catch up on some of his briefings.

Mustang had just finished reading a rather disturbing report on the state of the last town that Edward, the Fullmetal Alchemist, and his younger brother, the Fullmetal Alphonse, had just passed through. As he began reading the next document a shadow fell over his desk. Looking up quickly he spotted just who he had hoped it hadn't been. The two brothers stood in front of him, the elder and much shorter one suddenly pushed his metallic brother into the chair across from the Flame Alchemist. Mustang frowned, what were these two up to. Usually Edward would spend as little time in his office as possible, yet now it looked like he was hunkering down for the long haul as he jumped up to sit on top of a low filing cabinet.

"What can I do for you two? Not here to apologize for your latest travesty I presume." the army dog said slyly as he sat back in his chair and tried to look as suave as ever.

Ed smiled, "Well I'm glad that you asked, you see the thing is... Umm... well I might as well get to the point. I want you to give Al the talk."

Mustang jumped up uncharacteristically with an oddly excited look on his face, "Yes of course. He is about that age when he might be getting curious. Where should I begin? Ah yes. You see Al, when a man loves his country, he joins the army and becomes the most loyal..."

Roy suddenly found himself with a boot stuck in his mouth, "I didn't ask you to become an army recruitment poster, I wanted you to give him the other talk. You know, Men, women, babies, and all that."

The army man turned sheet white, "What? Why me?" He managed to squeak out in a completely out of character voice.

"Well," Ed said as Al sat in his seat trying to look as small as possible (not an easy feat for him) while blushing heavily (or as heavily as a hunk of metal can), "first I thought about asking Hughes to do it, but then I realized that he'd probably explain step by step about how his precious daughter was conceived, with pictures and everything.

Mustang shivered involuntarily, "It's probably a good thing you didn't go to him."

"Then we thought we could find the homunculi and ask Lust seeing as it would be right up her alley, but then I realized that plan was just plain stupid." Ed continued, "After that I though of asking Major Armstrong, and then I realized that this may be ba really bad idea. He already finds enough reasons to take his shirt off never mind his pants, and I really don't want to see what else he inherited from the Armstrong line. Not to mention he might be a bit to over enthusiastic for this.

Ed stopped rambling when he realized that Roy Mustang had already passed out cold. Five minutes of waiting rewarded the boys with a full recovery, only now the Flame alchemist seemed to be mumbling to himself and rocking back and forth in a nervous fashion. clearing his throat Ed continued on, "I figured we could ask Sheska, but she's probably whip out a bunch of Sex-ed books and tell us to read them, not to mention I don't think she's ever gotten out of the library if you get my drift. After that I figured we might ask Feury, except he'd probably be the same as Sheska. Maybe we should set them up on a date.

Mustang slapped himself in the face as a wake up call, "Can you stay on topic, do you even remember why you're here?"

"Yeah, anyway, I thought about asking Havoc, but then remembered that he never had any luck with the ladies, and that's when I remembered it was because you kept stealing them. So here we are."

Mustang recomposed himself, "Well, as great as that is, don't you think you should ask someone who's actually had experience in the kind of relationship you're thinking of?"

Ed and Al's jaws dropped, actually, Al's whole head dropped off, "No way, you're a Virgin?" they both shouted out as Hawkeye rounded the corner and stopped short.

Hawkeye straightened her dress and looked at the two alchemy brothers, "What's all this yelling about."

Ed picked his jaw up, "Well, I wanted this old lapdog to give Al the talk, but it turns out he has no experience in the matter. How could you be a virgin still with all those dates you've been on? Even Winry and I have... Um... Forget I said that." Edward blushed furiously as Al's eyes bugged out of his helmet.

The Flame Alchemist's head drooped sadly, "I don't believe it, even the pip squeak's done it.

The blond standing in the doorway strode forward, grabbed her sulking commander, and dragged him out of the room before yelling over her shoulder at the boys, "Stay right there, he'll be able to tell you all about it in a few minutes."

Brenman: Review, or I'll get mustang to set your underwear on fire... if you're wearing any.


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